go easy

Please forgive typos or incomprehensibility – I write this amid a sugar- and anxiety- overload. The sugar because I keep ordering hot chocolates at the cafe that I’m relying on for internet access. The anxiety because I have an exam tomorrow that I am not nearly prepared enough for.

The problem is, for me, whenever I am unprepared - due to procrastination or events beyond my control  (yes, there are such events) – I lack the “che sarà, sarà” attitude to let it be and go easy on myself. Instead, I panic and stress and berate myself for being
unprepared. And I attempt to fit all the preparation, all the study in this instance, that I want to do or more accurately, feel i should do into a tiny window of time. AMAZINGLY,

signs, signs, everywhere signs

There have been many signs lately that things in my life need to change. And soon.
I’m reaching the end of my second year of (at least) a three-year long Bachelor of Arts degree, studying full-time, which occupies at minimum of thirty-four hours a week with class and study time alone; travel to and from uni takes a further two hours, four times a week; and I work seven or so hours every weekend day, which also involves four hours of travel per weekend. These two activities alone require sixty hours out of each and every week. On top of this are the other incalculable items – sleeping (at least eight hours to function – up to 116 hours of my 168 hour week gone!), eating, cleaning (myself and my clothes, dishes, floors), and “socialising” (although I’m not sure devouring a tub of ice-cream on the couch while my equally overwhelmed boyfriend falls asleep sitting up, is very social). Being reasonably good at maths, adding these things up here makes the problem seem quite clear. However, I did require several signs before I got the message.

Oh, did I mention I’m an over-achieving, anxiety-ridden perfectionist?

In no particular order, sign # 1:

Warning: Bleakness.

SO, I’ve found myself at an impasse. A blog impasse. A blimpasse?

I’ve done one lonely post for this, my new blog, and cannot seem to muster the enthusiasm I showed in that post or in setting up this blog. Which I suppose leads quite rightly to the elements of anxiety and depression (or the form they take in me) that aren’t so funny. The bleakness. The self-loathing. The fear. The shame. The sadness. The flatness. And as much as I was wanting this to be a fun exploration of new horizons, I think it should include the yucky bits too. After all, they are the trickiest things.

I’ve been in a bad space lately. An internet game-play, mindless tv-watching, crying too much, eating too much, sleeping too little space.

Yes Girl

This is my first blog and the first post of my first blog and the first sentence of the first post of my first blog. I desperately don’t want to sound pretentious. Forgive me if I do!

I hope this blog will push me to do some of the things I’m scared of and anxious about. Anxiety has been known to prevent me from doing things – big or small or silly things – that will brighten my life. For me, it takes 2 main forms: anxieties about large areas of my life like eating, relationships, death can become severe when I’m stressed or distressed but I also have more pervasive, innocuous anxieties that keep me awake at night and Hold Me Back (hello, self-help lingo). In particular, I am quite terrified of driving a car and at 21 years and 29 days old I still don’t have my probationary driver’s licence. But I do have a gorgeous car and a keen desire to drive!! Anxiety also creeps up whenever something is new or a bit challenging like going out on a limb with new friends or attending classes at the gym. This blog will be record of my traversing of these tricky paths, as well as a PUBLIC form of encouragement – keeping me honest.

Recently I watched the movie Yes Man, starring Jim Carey and Zooey Deschanel, for the second time. I won’t go so far as to say ‘yes’ to everything (such an abandonment of control freaks me out) but it is such a lovely and fitting idea. So ultimately, I hope this blog will encourage me to metaphorically say ‘yes’ and pursue the things that scare me all the way to the finish. First, get my licence and get fit. No worries. Easy. Piece of cake.